Are you color struck? Do you find yourself saying things like, “She is so pretty to be so dark!?” or telling someone, “You better keep her out of the sun, you don’t want her to get to dark.” or my favorite when looking at someone’s newborn child you say, “Oh don’t worry she wont get too much darker.”
To be “color struck” as defined by UrbanDictionary.com is: To have an aversion to someone’s skin color, usually used in the African-American community.
I’d say that was an accurate description because these are all things that have been said to me in reference to my daughter by some of the matriarchs in my family. Did they mean to hurt me? No, I don’t think so, but what exactly do these comments mean or imply? I am the mother of a dark skinned daughter. I can’t believe I have to say this, but I am concerned about what all of these comments may eventually do to her self esteem. I am a strong advocate of self love. I’ve celebrated diversity my entire adult life. In fact I’ve dedicated my life to it. I even went to so far as the have an African symbol that literally means Unity within Community tattooed on my body. I am active in my neighborhood. I have planned community health fairs, raised awareness for the importance of mammograms, created cultural celebrations on my job, and now advocating natural hair health style and maintenance. So OF COURSE I get offended when I hear these ignorant comments. But what do you say to an old lady that was born in the 50’s (or earlier) and raised in the 60’s (or earlier) when they say stuff like this? You can’t change people so I never try. But I find myself explaining and excusing people’s ignorance to my child by saying “…she’s just color struck”. I ran into an old friend recently and I had my “Little Chick” with me. She was so happy to see me and I was happy to see her and introduce my daughter. First thing she says is, “Oh my she is so dark! but so pretty!” How am I supposed to react to that?
The other thing we get a lot of is older dark skinned women who clutch my child when they see her as if to let go of all of the pain that THEY went through having once been that dark skinned girl themselves. They say to her, “Don’t you EVER let anyone tell you that you are not beautiful.” Then often through tear filled eyes they say, “You ARE beautiful.” You can tell that they wished that someone had told them that when they were younger. Don’t get me wrong we appreciate these touching moments but it can get exhausting after awhile because my child does not know why this keeps happening and it happens ALL the time!
To add even more to this “definition of beauty”madness…..since i have learned how to properly take care of my child’s hair it is long, thick, shiny and flowing. It reaches down to her midback. Apparently this is another anomaly. Since 2009 I’ve been posting her hair care regimen to YouTube and since 2009 we get questions about her heritage. “Why is your daughter’s hair like that? Is she mixed race?” “Are ya’ll Indian or something?” “Are your parents white? How does she have that hair and she is that dark!?” And the comments go on.
My daughter’s gorgeous hair is a result of me taking care of her hair and has nothing to do with her heritage. I don’t like to blame slavery for everything, and I don’t want to, but where does all of this come from? Nobody wants to be told that they hate themselves or that they have internal hatred for their own race. All of these comments come to me from other black women, so this must be our issue. Right? Regardless of what the source or the root of this problem is I need you to not bring it to me and my child.
Black women: Here are some of the things you need to think about the next time you see a dark-skinned black child, before you open your mouth.
Think about what you are going to say. Your words could affect this child for the rest of their life.
Telling a little girl that she is “pretty to be so dark” is NOT a compliment!! I repeat. Telling a little girl that she is “pretty to be so dark” is NOT a compliment!!
Remember that just because you experienced pain regarding your skin tone does not mean that all kids are going through what you went through.
Please do not cry every time you see a dark brown child. I know you mean well, but projecting your past pain onto a child who is happy and not yet aware that her own people will reject her is not fair. Her self esteem may have been just fine until she met you!
Realize that not everyone hates dark skin.
Some find it to be beautiful. I’m sorry that you have been taught to believe otherwise.
Stop asking people what their race is based on their hair texture or type.
I think its rude to inquire about a person’s race anyway. Black people CAN grow long and thick hair that is gorgeous. Its about proper maintenance. Not race. I am not even going to go into the “Good” hair, “Bad” hair thing. I don’t have the time.
Question for my readers: If these attitudes did not come as a result of slavery, then where do they come from and is this something that other races also deal with? I’d really appreciate your thoughts on this as well as advice.
Comments
Hello, sis! It’s Monita here (Moka B.), and this is such a beautiful and sadly relevant post. As for your final question, I’ve had a number of white female friends be surprised by the prevalent discussion of hair in our community. They didn’t realize it was such a big deal. That may not be true for others, but my friends are always surprised to learn about the various topics that come up for discussion/debate surrounding our hair.
As for other concepts in the post, I’ve been through some of those things myself. Back when I was still straightening my hair, strangers would often as if my mid-back-length hair was real, if I was “mixed” or “Indian,” and I’m caramel-colored. It’s so interesting that I read this post today because while my almost 2-year-old isn’t what folks would call “dark” per se, her father is a dark-skinned man, and so is her older brother. I’m already anticipating how I’ll deal with ignorant comments in my own family, where the members are light-to-brown skinned, so that I can best protect my child. It’s sad that it’s even on my radar. I wish I had some advice, but I don’t. I’ll be waiting to see your posts on this matter, but it sounds like you’re doing an awesome job! be encouraged!
Its sad to me that this is still an issue for us. I go through this with my other children as well since they came in all different shades,, get ready!
Sistah! Thank you so much for touching on this subject. I have faced this in the past as it relates to my daughter Be’ being a beautiful brown skin child. It is very annoying and hurtful for someone to be labeled by their skin color. For this reason, I go out of my way to ensure my daughter that she is talented and beautiful in the event she encounters a looser with a loose mouth.
keep up the good work KeeKee! Your baby is fortunate to have a smart parent like you to protect her!
My experience growing up as a dark skinned child in Miami was a wee bit different. I was in good dark skinned company growing up around island folks and African people. People just assumed I was Haitian, so I blended in. Questions about my dark skin tone mostly came into play when I was late teens early 20’s. People gave me a reason for being so dark such as assuming I just stepped onto U.S. soil from Nigeria. I have had guys ask me why I was so dark and other things such as “I usually don’t date women as dark as you”. My darker skinned bruthas, in my 20’s were never into me, although I was into them. The light brown guys were typically tryin’ to holla at me, so what was a girl to do? Forego love waiting for dark skinned guys to come around or love who loved me? I turned off my supposed preference and married the man of my dreams, no matter his shade.
I truly hate for Little Chick to have to be exposed to such negativity so young. She is gorgeous and I am sure she is going to be well prepared to answer any questions of misinformed people. She is truly inspiring! Keep her exposed to culture! It’s all good!
Thanks for sharing your experiences. You are right…Its all good! Thanks for reading 🙂